Fashion Funhouse Emporium

Bruce Willis: Does it smell like something died in here?

Have you ever wondered what Bruce Willis smells like when he's surfing the wing of a crashing plane? How about when he's trying to seize control of an airport taken over by terrorists? Or when he's slinging a gun and trying to free a family held by teenage hostages?

You're about to find out. Bruce Willis inked a deal with German company LR Health & Beauty Systems to launch his own fragrance. Its coming to a groin area near you on July 1, 2010.

And of course, Bruno's perfume reps say  the odor is "extremely masculine." EXTREME!

Jennifer Aniston: Aint nobody dope as me, Im just so fresh and clean!

Not to be out done by others who make the same movie with different titles, Jennifer Aniston is creating her own signature scent as well. Her stink of choice, Lolavie, made by Falic Fashion Group (not Phalic) will launch exclusively at the UK department store, Harrods. It will eventually be sold in the US.

If  you've ever wanted to know what it smells like to chase after a man who you think is the one, only to find out that the guy of your dreams has been there all along, here is your chance.  The scent was inspired by a race to the airport to stop your real true love from leaving your life forever.

Says the Falic company rep: "We hope that if people like the purity and the naturalness of who she is..." Then he added under his breath, not like that slut whore Angelina. What? Oh, what? I didn't say anything.

Want to smell like a celeb? Choose from the list of perfumes from  Danica Patrick to the Beckhams!

Again, here it is, on a Monday and I'm just posting my Sunday blog.  Tisk Tisk.

Lets get to it!

TIGER'S UP IN THE CLUB

Photo: Annie Leibovitz/Vanity Fair via New York Daily News

New York Daily News - Who would have thought 2009 would come to an end with all of the internet talking about a golfer playboy and his extramarital affairs?

Even more perplexing, why am I looking at a guy named Tiger who participates in the most boring sport on earth (my opinion, but I'll wager its true) with no shirt ...and flexing with hand weights?

While there is sooo much fun I can have with golf terms and innuendo, I'll spare you. *cough* Penalty stroke.

Are there really women out there who are watching golf and saying "I want to hit that!" Are polo shirts, argyle socks paired with plaid knickers the new sexy uniform?  While advertisers are droppin' Tiger like he's hot, Vanity Fair is taking the time to celebrate his entrance into the pack of philandering playa professional athletes. Who says golf isn't a real sport?

DECADE OF DUMPY STYLE

Photo: Neiman Marcus

Huffington Post - Former fashion intern pal Rachel Strugatz gives us a rundown of the decades worst fashion trends and any favoritism aside, I have to say, she is spot on!

However, some of these trends don't seem to be going away.  I think we need a revolution. Take to the streets and grab logo bags from Louis Vuitton from the arms of Times Square tourists.  Tug the Uggs from the feet of every woman who is still using that "but they are so comfortable" line. If you see a trucker hat anywhere, even worn in an ironic way, swipe it off the heads and stomp on it.

Okay, the above may be too harsh. Maybe we should just take to good old shaming. Point and laugh?

GERMANY'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Photo: SpiegelOnline

Spiegel - Back in October, the German fashion magazine, Brigitte, vowed that it would no longer use size zero professional models in their fashion spreads. Instead, models would be replaced with "real women."  With the January issue featuring its all amateur model cast finally hitting news stands, the glossy is facing mixed reviews.

First, this chick on the cover, while she may not be getting paid like Giselle (clever business move or devotion to real women?) she's certainly not what I would classify as "average."

Seriously, Germans, I have some severe overcrowding in my mouth that caused my teeth to push forward. They are all out of wack. I'm so pale you can see my insides. I'm an American size 2, which would probably make me a size 4 -6 in Germany. Call me. I'm not working.

DOIN' THE YETI STOMP

Photo: Wikipedia

Telegraph - Women's feet are growing bigger due to hormones in your food, obesity and that pesky thing called evolution.  Ed Watson, from Debenhams department store in the UK says:"Big shoes, especially heeled styles, have to be made much stronger with sturdier load-bearing points, able to cope with greater levels of stress and wear."

Ed must have a way with women. Which one of us doesn't like to be told our shoes can't support the load?

Anyway, I thought a size 11 women's shoe was normal growing up.  Have you ever tripped over a pair of platforms that big. Ouch!

RUNNING IN HEELS

Photo: Alexander McQueen

New Zealand Herald - Speaking of feet, researchers for the American Academy of Physical Medicine and Rehabilitation says that modern running shoes are harder on your joints high heels.

Score one for us non athletic, shoe mongering girly girls! Though, I don't think they included the infamous Spring 2010 Alexander McQueen Armadillo heels in that study.  Models quit over those stilts! Quit, I tell you!

My grandmother had great skin. It was baby soft, luminous and smooth well into her 70's. When I was a little girl, I would go into her bathroom and smooth on her Oil of Olay. It was the old school bottle. The jar was glass back then and the lotion was pink and perfumed. When I appeared in front of her, thinking I successfully pulled off a secret makeover, she could smell the moisturizer. "You were into my Oil of Olay," she said. She told me that no matter what I do, if I don't do anything else for my skin, that I should always moisturize.

Perhaps it was what women were told in her time, but I took that advice. I've come to find elixirs and potions that suit my own skin by trying on what works best for me.

One of the advantages of living in New York is that in my travels, I come across professionals. It would be silly not to take the opportunity to ask them what their favorite products are.

Here are some tidbits I learned from Make-up artists and industry pros.

Shu Uemura Eyelash Curler

Photo: neimanmarcus.com

I was at a girls get together when I was just a fresh transplant in NYC.  A make-up artist mentioned she worked in the tents during fashion week. Of course, this began the great inquisition by every lady in the room wanting to know what the artist thought was the most important part of the beauty regimen.  She said "Curl your eyelashes.  I can't tell you how much it opens the eyes up."  And, surely someone asked, but what curler should we use?  She told us the Shu Uemura eyelash curler was the best out there.

Lancome Artliner

Photo: Lancome.com

I've been drawing a solid, vintage style line on the top of my lids since I first discovered liquid eyeliner at the age of 16.  Many of my favorite products became discontinued, leaving me scrambling for another liquid liner that wouldn't flake, glop, or run.  I also needed a color that wasn't quite black, but not an obnoxious sparkling brown.

Krystle, a make-up artist that I worked with on a reality show told me about Artliner by Lancome.  I admit, I haven't ever been a huge fan of Lancome products, but this liner is easy to use, has a natural color and stays put!

Sally Hansen Inspired By Carmindy All Over Brightener

Photo: sallyhansennaturalbeauty.com

My mentor and a stylist asked me to assist on a shoot for Carmindy.  You know who she is:  "What Not To Wear", AOL StyleList, Books, etc....The shoot was for her book cover and I was given a sample of Carmindy's All- Over Brightener.

I have super pale skin which means you can practically see every vein through my skin, including under my eyes. I dab this fast fix concealer under my eyes then top off with a my usual flesh colored make-up. It works great because not only does it cover my "inside out" appearance, but also it catches light, making my dark circles unnoticeable.  Sometimes concealers can make me look like I fell asleep in the sun with those weird tanning goggles on. I love this product because it doesn't do that to me!

Her lip products are fantastic as well.  All of the colors are so neutral or subtle, that its really hard to make a "make-up mistake."

Dr Bonners and Mr. Pumice

Photos: Sally Beauty Supply and Dr. Bonners

While neither my doctor or my sister qualify as professional make-up artists, both of their recommendations have done wonders for my feet.

No one wants to talk about gross scaly feet, alas, they exist.

On a trip to Las Vegas to visit my doppelganger little sis, I was complaining about harsh pumice stones that really didn't do anything to remove dead skin from my over-worked feet. She took me to Sally Beauty Supply and introduced me to Mr. Pumice.  How do you do, Sir?!

The light foam rectangle gently buffs your skin, leaving it soft and smooth.

Then, my doctor introduced me to tea tree oil as a natural way to keep any nasty foot ailments away.

I started using Dr. Bonner's soap infused with tea tree oil. Okay, Dr Bonner looks like Dr. Strangelove and the bottles of his products are covered in a maniacal, stream of consciousness rants, but it's become a favorite product of mine for keeping my feet from falling victim to what you see in those horrid toenail monster commercials.

Shu Umera Face Architect Foundation

While I don't want to make this blog a love letter to Shu Uemura, I love this foundation.  A beauty assistant at In Style gave me a sample that just happened to be the perfect match for my skin.

The problem that I had with other foundations were that either they were too oily and transferred onto my clothing and anything else it touched.  I was occasionally embarrassed when someone would point out  "Oh, you have a make-up line on your chin."

As I've mentioned, my face is pale and my skin is very thin. Finding the perfect color that stays put and doesn't break out my sensitive skin was a challenge, that is until the heavens parted and like an angel, the beauty editor's assistant, with bottle in hand said " Here, try this. Its good foundation."

This foundation may not be the best for dry skin because it is very matte.The plus side is that the range of colors are fantastic and realistic.  It goes on smooth and dries very quickly making it a little harder to blend. But, I love that its only on my face, where its supposed to be and I have yet to have another girl call me out for a non matching face and neck.

Danica Patrick, professional race car driver and star of those Go Daddy commercials that make no sense is launching her own fragrance.

The brunette speed demon is getting in line to hawk smelly water with Usher, Britney, Mariah Carey, Queen Latifiah, Jessica Simpson, Gwen Stefani, Victoria and David Beckham, Jennifer Lopez, Paris Hilton, Sarah Jessica Parker, P. Diddy (or Sean Combs, Puffy or Sean John), Andy Roddick, Derek Jeter, Eva Longoria Parker, Halle Berry, Rhianna, Jay Z, Kanye West, Tim McGraw, Faith Hill,  Michael Jordan, Shania Twain, Kimora Lee Simmons, Celine Dion (Belch) Raven Simone, Reese Witherspoon,  Patrick Dempsey, Your Mom, My Dad....

Do famous people think we want to smell like them, or rather whatever some company chemist concocted and slapped their name on?  Who is wearing these perfumes and colognes?  And who cops up to wearing "Celine Dion's Notes" when a co-worker asks: "What the ef is that smell?" And you say "Oh, thats me. Its the signature scent of the only the best vocalist in the world. I have all of her albums, even the ones in French!"

I don't even want to be tortured by the sound of Celine Dion, let alone smell her.

The Street.com thinks that you may not have to endure the stench of celebrity much longer. While fragrances sales on the whole dropped, it seems that famous actors and singers aren't selling like they used to.  The scents of the famous reached close to $3 million this year as compared to $8million in 2005.

And what seems to be more interesting to me, is that when these perfumes and potions were blindly tested on focus groups, they actually liked the scents more. That means if they knew they were smelling  Eau de Rudy Replacement by Raven Simone they would be less likely to buy it.

And now, The Go Daddy Racer Chick by Danica Patrick, which I'm assuming smells like drooling, Busch beer-soaked, tobacco-chewing NASCAR dudes and burnt rubber will be promoted every where from fashion and beauty magazines to race events.

I suppose if I were to talk about famous people scents in a positive way, they probably do smell better than just any person, like say myself, creating their own perfume.  My "eau de toilet" would most likely smell like cigarettes, boredom and self deprecation.  Oh and lavender. I like lavender.

On Sunday The Independent UK reported North Korea launched a movement against hairstyles seen as "untidy" or "foreign."  The Battle of  the Free Flowing Follicle was said to be ordered by leader Kim Jong-Il.

Similar to a TGI Friday's grooming section in the corporation's employee manual, the country's men must keep their hair short and the women must pull their hair back.

As stated in The Independent, the Seoul-based Good Friends newsletter said that the new hair rules were passed down from Jong-Il himself and will be enforced by a state body called Central Youth Union Committee.

Jong-Il apparently was offended when a female sales clerk's mane smelled not of the fragrant herbs of Bi Dan shampoo, but of the filthy stench of freedom: "Is she really our own Korean woman? Why is she giving up our own traditional beauty and choosing to model bad foreign habits of the capitalist?" they quoted Kim as saying.

Also, Jong -Il will be jumping on the "no tight pants" bandwagon, following the province of Aceh, Indonesia, which passed law banning Muslim women from wearing tight pants. The North Korean leader commanded "that women should not wear skirts above the knee, tight trousers, flared trousers or any garment that reveals the body's contours."

Do you know what is great about living in America?  I can open my laptop, Google any subject, log on to any website and say, um, upload a picture  of Kim Jong-Il and proceed to give him any foreign or untidy hairstyle I want. I can also post it on a blog.

Sniff. Sniff. Ahhhh!  Do I smell the sweet and fruity scent Garnier Nutrisse hair gel? Or is it the luscious odor of  the First Amendment of the United States Constitution?

Beyonce Jong-Il

Posh Jong-Il

Gwyneth Jong -Il

And finally, my favorite:

Rihanna Jong-Il

WHATS A ROD-DART-TEE?

The Thread- Crowds flocked to Target in New York  in a Supermarket Sweep style shopping expedition to grab the new Rodarte for Target Collection.  I am a big fan of fashion for less, but women throwing the entire collection into carts bothers me a bit.  Just because it bears a designer name does not mean a) it will fit you properly, b) it is a style that suits you and c) and you'll be wearing an exclusive piece. Yes, i said it.  Last, when you visit any store outside of the metropolitan New York City, you'll find racks upon racks of Target's designer collaborations, a young girl sifting through the leopard dresses and her mother in a velour  track suit asking "Whats a Rod-art-eee?"

Though, when Jean Paul Gaultier hits Target, hopefully with gender bending three piece suits, I just might be one of those stampeding women, complete with hockey mask and stick, standing on the back of a fast moving red shopping cart like Spartacus: "Outta my way bitches!!"

Photo: Target

CHILDREN OF THE CORN

Reuters - The British Advertising Standards Authority agreed with complaints that a commercial for a new dating show called "Dating in the Dark" was offensive.  The council "considered the ad was unlikely to be interpreted to be light-hearted in tone and was instead likely to be seen as prejudicial against people with ginger hair." Even more, a British retailer pulled their Christmas cards which featured a read-headed kid sitting on Santa's lap beneath a banner reading "Santa loves all kids. Even ginger ones."

I would take this all very personally, but I don't have beautifully monochromatic bright red hair. Rather,  my indecisiveness can even be traced back to when I was in my mother's womb.  Apparently my DNA couldn't make a solid decision between my Cherokee, Slovak and Welsh heritage resulting in my hair color and skin tone becoming some sort of strange giant bird-like alien hybrid of  American Indian features, translucent skin and multi-colored strands of hair which include blonde, red, and chocolate brown (and now even gray).  Now that is scary.

Model and Actress Lily Cole

MEGA BLOCS VS LEGO

Cityfile - Remember those multicolored plastic heels that Balenciaga tried to pass off as art and sell for close to 5K?  Then Steve Madden knocked them off and tried to sell them for 100 bucks?  Well almost three years later, the high fashion house is suing the "Forever 21" of shoes for stealing its design.

My insight on Steve Madden and Forever 21: it probably costs the chain retailers less in lawsuits that end in mistrials than to do a Target style collaboration in which the designer is due a chunk of the change. By the time high fashion houses catch on, every trend hound on a budget owns a pair of "Mega Bloc" heels.

I'm not saying copying designs should be applauded, but rather, can you ever really stop it?  When the whole marketing of your couture fashion goods appeals to the psychology belonging and esteem, there will be people who want it and people who will give it.

If you wear a low cut shirt that shows off your cleavage, chances are, you cant pick and choose who is going to be gawking. I'm not saying that gives anyone the right to touch your boobies, but seeing yours may not stop a dude from hitting on every chic in the bar until someone agrees to goes home with the troll.

With fashion houses thinking its good for promotions to "leak" lookbooks and ad campaigns for Spring 2010 in September 2009, that only gives retail analysts enough time to figure out what's going to be the big seller, look for what Beyonce wore and send it into immediate cheap production in China...with a few minor design changes. *wink*

Isn't this lawsuit sort of like going back and starting a fight with an loser ex-boyfriend for not taking out the garbage when the two of you lived together?  It just seems like something that should end in a phone conversation that goes something like this "I did some bad sh*t, you did some bad sh*t. Lets just forget about it."

Steve Madden's shoe on the left, The original Balenciaga on the right. I predict a mistrial.

THIS PHOTO MAKES ME HATE MYSELF

New York Times- The crusade for utopia continues. This week, New York Times writer Tamara Parker-Hope discovers that *OMG* magazine covers are retouched. She starts her blog with this: "What is the fastest way to lose weight? Try getting a cover shoot for a magazine."

zzzzzzzzzzz...Oh, what, I'm sorry. I just fell asleep.

Can I just ask where the men are in this debate? Images of men on magazine covers Men's Health and Esquire are  retouched as well.  How about the fashion felines on the cover of "Cat Fancy."  We call my cat Angus fat all the time and he has never refused to eat after seeing a slim tabby with a shiny coat of fur.

I work in the fashion industry. I've seen Karolina Kurkova walk the runway in a swim suit. She was not skin and bones. While it is true that I do believe I saw a ray of light beam from above when she appeared, I did not go home and dye my hair blonde or consult a plastic surgeon to saw the bone of my aforementioned Indian honker.  I've spotted Elle Macpherson in the flesh.  She looks like a walking magazine cover and unless there was some invisible Photoshop bubble surrounding her as she walked down the street, she is an image of what most people find beautiful.

Women, stop hating on women.  Mothers teach your daughters that self worth is not based on what she looks like. If looking at magazines messes with your mental stability, then don't buy them.  There will always be people who are smarter, funnier, better at math, and more fashionable than you or I.

Would these ads and photos exist if some crafty editors and ad agencies weren't cracking into your insecurities and secret desires and telling you exactly what you should be?

While there is scientific theory as to what makes people attractive, focusing all energy on what you don't have is like winning the lottery and complaining about the taxes you have to pay on the windfall.

I'm not saying that I'm some sort of super balanced human. I hate my crooked teeth and I'm not immune to feeling unattractive at times.  But my features were given to me by my parents and I am what I am.  I mean, I'm hilarious! I may be the only one laughing at my jokes and reading this blog, but it keeps me amused and happy for hours. Isn't that what counts, really, just being comfortable with yourself? (or perhaps crazy)

The National Institute of Health states that one of the risk factors of developing anorexia is "Accepting society's attitudes about thinness."  I believe the key word is "accepting"  I understand that most of what we see in the media is altered to appeal to the masses. I do understand how that could be detrimental to some.

Bruce Willis rode the wing of an airplane in Die Hard. Dorothy Gale's house was lifted by a tornado and landed on a witch in " Wizard of Oz."  Harry Potter goes to Hogwarts.  Does this mean we should have a disclaimer on the bottom of the screen during the movie "Attention, Hogwarts is a fictional academy.  Harry's magic wand contains no magic."

2008 Victoria's Secret Fashion Show - Runway

You can stuff these products in stockings for the finishing touches on your holiday shopping. Or, if you're looking for a way to do inexpensive gifts, these sparkling and shiny gifts can be tucked into some creative packaging to create a personalized gift for friends or family for not a lot of money.

The Packaging

Try places like The Container Store or even mugs or bowls local 99 cent store for pieces like these.  They can  be reused by the gifted the to stash jewelry or even for flowers. Sprinkle in some confetti, top off with a ribbon.

Vase & Metal Pot: Ikea

Acrylic Containers and Shredded Paper: Container Store

Christmas Confetti: Party City; Velvet Ribbon, Papermart

The Gifts

Once you've channeled your inner Martha Stewart (Don't knock Martha, I love me some Martha!) and came up with some crafty packaging, you'll need these for the stylish people on your list.

Topshop Fair Isle Wool Tights, $24.00 - Marni's wool plaid tights might not be in your holiday shopping budget, but these wool tights from Topshop will give that same preppy and warm feeling.

FULL TILT Braided Chain Bracelet, $5.99 - Give the gift of  hard edged biker/rock chic. This style is still going strong-- chains, studs and leather.

ASOS Coloured Shimmer Super Skinny Belt, $8.50 -  A friend of mine scolded me when I told him I didn't have any of my own belts to lend him for his photo shoot.  He said "all women should have belts! Its a staple." So take his advice. Give belts for not just for belt loops, but over jackets and sweaters.

Essie nail polish, Bordeaux, $8.00 - I'm not much of a nail polish girl. Its not that I don't envy girls with long perfect nails who can add another element to their style with as seen on the runway colors.  Sadly, I either chew my nails out of a life long anxious habit, or they just break.  So those of you that are like me, live vicariously and give these tiny Essie polishes.  I like the Bordeaux because its not quite black.  Intriguing!

Alloy Leopard Scarf,$19 - For those on your list who are always late because they had "nothing to wear," give a printed scarf. Throw it over a white tee, add a blazer, jeans and boots for five minute dressing that looks well thought out.

Paper Biscuit Candy "Diamond" Ring, $4.50 - I love Etsy for jewelry! If you have the patience to weed through the weird vagina necklaces and moose shit art, then you can occasionally come across some cute inexpensive pieces. Cross your teen cousins off your list.

Burt's Bees Lip Shimmer, $5.00 - I have Burt's Bees lip products stashed in my bathroom, in my jacket pocket and in my purse.  It may be all in my head, but I think it makes my lips look fuller than any expensive "plumper" ever has. Perhaps its the peppermint oil? My friend Missy said she thought their colored gloss was " too bright."  This is partially true for those who like less flashy. The Merlot and Raisin don't go on the same color as they appear, but much brigher.  However, Rhubarb and Peony are neutral, just enough color and will work for most skin tones. I encourage you to pick some up for your friends.  While  your at it, get one for yourself...and me!

In September, I was invited to interview Sam Haskins for a fashion website I was writing for at the time.  I was truly floored that I would be getting to talk to this photography legend in person, even though, I will confess, this was my first introduction to Sam Haskins besides the few photos I'd seen from Tommy Hilfiger ads and the Cowboy Kate images I've seen on other stylist's walls.

In what was being called his "rock star moment", Mr, Haskins was to be part of exhibition opening and the launch of the new book, "Fashion Etc." in collaboration with Tommy Hilfiger.

A day or two before the event, Mr. Haskins fell victim to a stroke and was unable to attend.  I went to the opening anyway.  I circled the entire gallery, and so much of his work caused me to stop and stare. I flipped through a copy of Cowboy Kate, went back to the beginning, started page by page and then pretty much hogged the book for a good amount of time. Looking at his work it became clear to me how much influence his art had on the fashion world. A stylist that I had just worked for based her whole personal style on Cowboy Kate and Other Stories, at least that's what it seemed like to me with the way she does her eye make-up to her love of tall black hats. (Mr. Haskins shot this book before myself or the stylist were even born)

It's a bit ironic, because according to the biography I received at the exhibition, he never intended to be a "fashion photographer."  Many copied his work and his style, which he looked at less as flattery and more as a lack of regard.  But then in 2001, fashion publications rediscovered his work and he began shooting for French Vogue, Harpers Bazaar, Allure, New York and Le Monde.

The Fashion Etc. book was Sam Haskins first collaboration with a fashion designer.  “As a rule, similar projects seldom evolved into such a broad collaboration as this one with Tommy Hilfiger,” Haskins told WWD in June. “My many prior undertakings with paper mills, camera manufacturers and such usually did not amount to much more than producing a calendar and an exhibition. I had simultaneous offers for collaboration on this project. Since I have admired Tommy’s clothing for many years and his proposal was so overwhelmingly warm and human, there was no contest.”

He undoubtedly will continue to be one of the most influential photographers to those in the craft, along with designers and artists.

Sam was expected to make a full recovery from the stroke in September. His son Ludwig says he also suspects that he had another small stroke upon returning to his home in Australia.  The illness caused him to become depressed and to take his own life.

He is survived by his sons, Ludwig and Konrad and by his wife, Alida.

Read the Sam Haskins Blog

Visit Sam Haskin's Site

All About "Cowboy Kate and Other Stories"

"Fashion Etc" Book