Fashion Funhouse Emporium

Again, here it is, on a Monday and I'm just posting my Sunday blog.  Tisk Tisk.

Lets get to it!

TIGER'S UP IN THE CLUB

Photo: Annie Leibovitz/Vanity Fair via New York Daily News

New York Daily News - Who would have thought 2009 would come to an end with all of the internet talking about a golfer playboy and his extramarital affairs?

Even more perplexing, why am I looking at a guy named Tiger who participates in the most boring sport on earth (my opinion, but I'll wager its true) with no shirt ...and flexing with hand weights?

While there is sooo much fun I can have with golf terms and innuendo, I'll spare you. *cough* Penalty stroke.

Are there really women out there who are watching golf and saying "I want to hit that!" Are polo shirts, argyle socks paired with plaid knickers the new sexy uniform?  While advertisers are droppin' Tiger like he's hot, Vanity Fair is taking the time to celebrate his entrance into the pack of philandering playa professional athletes. Who says golf isn't a real sport?

DECADE OF DUMPY STYLE

Photo: Neiman Marcus

Huffington Post - Former fashion intern pal Rachel Strugatz gives us a rundown of the decades worst fashion trends and any favoritism aside, I have to say, she is spot on!

However, some of these trends don't seem to be going away.  I think we need a revolution. Take to the streets and grab logo bags from Louis Vuitton from the arms of Times Square tourists.  Tug the Uggs from the feet of every woman who is still using that "but they are so comfortable" line. If you see a trucker hat anywhere, even worn in an ironic way, swipe it off the heads and stomp on it.

Okay, the above may be too harsh. Maybe we should just take to good old shaming. Point and laugh?

GERMANY'S NEXT TOP MODEL

Photo: SpiegelOnline

Spiegel - Back in October, the German fashion magazine, Brigitte, vowed that it would no longer use size zero professional models in their fashion spreads. Instead, models would be replaced with "real women."  With the January issue featuring its all amateur model cast finally hitting news stands, the glossy is facing mixed reviews.

First, this chick on the cover, while she may not be getting paid like Giselle (clever business move or devotion to real women?) she's certainly not what I would classify as "average."

Seriously, Germans, I have some severe overcrowding in my mouth that caused my teeth to push forward. They are all out of wack. I'm so pale you can see my insides. I'm an American size 2, which would probably make me a size 4 -6 in Germany. Call me. I'm not working.

DOIN' THE YETI STOMP

Photo: Wikipedia

Telegraph - Women's feet are growing bigger due to hormones in your food, obesity and that pesky thing called evolution.  Ed Watson, from Debenhams department store in the UK says:"Big shoes, especially heeled styles, have to be made much stronger with sturdier load-bearing points, able to cope with greater levels of stress and wear."

Ed must have a way with women. Which one of us doesn't like to be told our shoes can't support the load?

Anyway, I thought a size 11 women's shoe was normal growing up.  Have you ever tripped over a pair of platforms that big. Ouch!

RUNNING IN HEELS

Photo: Alexander McQueen

New Zealand Herald - Speaking of feet, researchers for the American Academy of Physical Medicine and Rehabilitation says that modern running shoes are harder on your joints high heels.

Score one for us non athletic, shoe mongering girly girls! Though, I don't think they included the infamous Spring 2010 Alexander McQueen Armadillo heels in that study.  Models quit over those stilts! Quit, I tell you!

I ended my year with two interviews for full-time jobs. I'm a little superstitious, so I cant reveal the who, what and where. Does this mean my freelance life is about to make the transition to a daily alarm, subway commutes and a cubicle?  I suppose I have to get while the gettin is good...so they say.

Given this year's Great Fashion Crash, I feel grateful that there are fashion industry opportunities for me.  Though, talk to me about two months in to getting my ass up and sitting in an office for twelve hours a day and I might be forgetting about my good fortunes! I digress.

Retailers struggled this year. Many stores closed their doors or reduced the amount of stores. Luxury companies temporarily or permanently laid off workers, including Cartier, Chanel, and Prada.  From the couture house of Christian Lacroix to the woodsy Eddie Bauer, bankruptcies popped up like overdraft fees in my sad bank account.

Some of our favorite lines took their last strut down the runway.  Some called in the consultants and sold to corporations, some liquidated. Cue that cheesy early 90's Boyz To Men song....It's soooooo hard to say goooood bye....

Ossie Clark

Photo: Style.com

"Harry Potter" star Emma Watson showed up in vintage Ossie Clark for the movie's London premier. Though the brand just relaunched this year, it cited the market conditions for shutting down the line once again.

Luella Bartley

Photo: nymag.com/Imaxtree

Known for her splashy and kitchy prints, the UK designer told the Independent UK her line was "forced out of business after one of its main suppliers closed."

Yohji Yamamoto

Photo: Style.com

The namesake label of the Japanese designer filed for bankruptcy protection in October of 2009.  Yoji Yamamoto was rescued by Intergral Corp, a private equity fund, who will oversee the company's restructuring.  Yamamoto will retain a minority stake.  The sliced leggings will live on, otherwise Lindsay Lohan might have needed to look elsewhere for "inspiration."

Phi

Photo: Style.com

Phi, Fi, Fo, Fum....after pre-spring, the label is done. That doesn't rhyme at all. Anyway, the 6 year old sportswear line will cease production after it's Pre-spring collection hits stores. Though Phi showed at New York Fashion week for the spring 2010 season, the line will not be produced.

Veronique Branquinho

Photo: Style.com

The feminine and sophisticated designs of Veronique Branquinho are no longer after the court appointed her to liquidate.  Canceled, reduced and non payment on orders left the 11 year old label no other choice but to shut down.  Too bad, I'd practically wear everything on her Fall 2009 runway, that is, if I had that kind of money to spend.  Which I don't and apparently others don't.

Yoko Devereaux

Photo: Fashion Week Daily

This fellow Brooklynite men's designer was applauded by hipsters and loved by Pharell. When I logged on to the Yoko Devereaux website, the home page greeted me with "Bitch Be Dead, RIP Yoko D"

Bill Bass

Photo: Style.com

While technically, Bill Blass filed for bankruptcy on New Years Eve 2008, but with head designer Peter Som said to have been contractually obligated to present his spring 2009 collection and the emergence of photographic evidence of presentations dated 2009, Im calling the time of death: 2009.  I do know this. If I was under contract and I was forced to do one more line, I'd make sure the only person actually willing to wear it would be Lady Gaga. How fun would that be?

Fortunoff

Photo: polyvore.com

They liquidated. They were reacquired. What does this mean? I guess its up in the air like all of the other companies that saw the same fate.

Mary Norton

Photo: Marynorton.com

We had a special place in our hearts for Ms. Mary when I worked at In Style Weddings. She always had the most sparkling and bridal worthy clutches.  The company is now liquidated as well.

Escada

Photo: designscene.net

Not even supermodel and yoga enthusiast Christy Turlington could help save Escada from being on the brink of insolvency.  What did save the high end lux label was being purchased by 33 year old Megha Mittal and her billionaire family.

Christian Lacroix

Photo: Style.com

The prince of whimsy, Christian Lacroix's label, according to WWD has been reduced to nothing more than a licensing operation.  After a year of bids and possible buyers, the house will cease to create couture.  Looking back at photos, Lacroix's influence has been undeniable, from the black and white striped full skirt to ombre tights.

Celebrity Branding: No Longer Standing

J Lo: Her Sweetface is turning to sour as the brand is "put on hiatus."

Lauren Conrad - She went to Kohls quietly. Doesn't seem to be what she had in mind when she was talking about "revamping her line"

Hiedi Montag- I admit, I really don't know who she is, or Lauren Conrad for that matter. Apparently they were both on the same show and both made clothes that I didn't buy.

Kristin Davis- The Sex in The City Star's design career was over before it began.

Kanye West- Um, the opinionated rapper's design career was over before it began?

Sarah Jessica Parker - Steve and Barry's department store is no more, leaving SJP no place to peddle her wares.

Mandy Moore- She totally loves fashion guys, but, its like hard.

Hiedi Klum - Dey vanted to ovne da clover motif. Translation:  Lawsuits with Van Cleef & Arpels are too expensive to keep fighting.

I awoke at crack of dawn this am due to my landlord stomping around on the roof looking for leaks that recently made puddles in my bedroom. Having nothing better to do besides wait around in my fleece fuzzy pajamas that say "Joy" and "Merry" (which I am not at this hour) I decided to get  a jump start on the blogging.

I checked the WWD Morning Report for juicy tidbits to cast my snark or my oh so important approval upon. I came across an article about another clothing company cashing in on the fame of the Beatles.  This time its John Lennon. Meh. It happens all the time. Its not so interesting, right?

But, then I read to the end of the story and I see this: "Rock and Roll Religion has made several celebrity-related fashion deals in the past year. The company launched men’s lines with musician Scott Weiland and actor Charlie Sheen."

What? Back dat ass up!  Okay, the Scott Wieland connection is a little weird, but Charlie Sheen?

I'm sure you've heard by now that the Sheen-man spent Christmas in the slammer on charges domestic violence. So how timely is it that I've stumbled upon his clothing line called "DaVinci Collection?"

Charlie Sheen Arrested In Aspen

The line is a collaboration with Rock and Roll Religion's head designer Christopher Wicks and features a collection of those fugly button down patterned bowling shirts Charlie wears all the time.

Says Wicks of Sheen's shirts: “The style is influenced by the martini lounges, pool halls and bowling alleys of the era [50's].  It is nostalgic, yet chic without trying too hard.  I think he encompasses that aura and will bring a lot to the design table.”

Isn't this the same man that wears cross trainers and a paired down derivative of the Hawaiian shirt? When it comes to style he's about as chic as the menswear at a Big Lots in an Alabama shopping center.

Though, it does make sense if you ponder it for a moment.  Designing the same shirt over and over with only a slight change is sort of like his like watching the actor's heinous show "Two and a Half Men."

The duo of Jon Cryer and Charlie Sheen living as single, available men is like one of those "would you rather" scenarios. If you're unfamiliar, its when one person gives another person two options, each as bad as the other and made to choose. Example: Would you rather eat a steaming dog sh*t sandwich or watch "Two and a Half Men" for 24 hours straight?  If you had to sleep with Jon Cryer or Charlie Sheen...you get my point. (Though, as far as I know, Duckie wont beat on you)

I think Sheen needs to stop associating himself with martini bars, wine bars, pubs, pool halls, anywhere alcohol is served in general, drug dealers... The only thing Sheen is bringing to the "design" table is a punch in your face after an 8 ball and Beefeaters --and all  because the little olives printed on the shirt aren't big enough for his liking or you reminded him that it was actually Tom Hanks who starred in the "The DaVinci Code, " not him.

If you're looking for something to wear in your next mug shot, you can buy his shirts here.

At least they could airbrush out his man boob!?! Photo: Global Rebels

I'm not sure how well the first part of "Man Style: Ode to Nerdy Men" went over with you readers, but that's not going to stop me from posting a second one. And maybe, even a third.  Why? Because I love nerds and their style.

Nar Williams

Photo: Discovery/Science Channel

I studied film in college and even made my own 8mm black and white film.  What is great about being a freelance stylist is that I can combine both fashion and film. Naturally, when I first saw the show "Science of the Movies" it became one of my favorite shows.

I find myself strangely attracted to the host of the show-- named Nar? His skin is pasty, he talks about achieving "nerdvana" and  I want to take buzz clippers to his over-grown hipster hair cut. Yet, his uncontainable excitement for all things dorky kinda makes me want to take him on a date.  (But I am in a relationship with my own nerd with a penchant for Battlestar Gallactica and the History Channel-- so that wont be happening, Jack)

In one episode of "Science of the Movies", he freaked out while in an MRI machine due to claustrophobia. In another, he is so giddy after crowning a scale model of with the robot head of Bumble Bee the Transformer, you can't help but want to hug him.

Nar has his own blog where he writes about sci-fi and technology. He also hosts, produces, and co-writes the show "Heads Up! with Nar Williams" on CraveOnline. How deliciously dork!

He really tries hard dress hip. Perhaps to offset his sheer geek-a-tude?  But it works for me.  That's why Nar Williams made Fashion Funhouse Emporium's list of "Ode to Nerdy Men".

Wi-Fi tee (actually detects wi-fi signals!) and knit blazer

Relaxed fit jeans and hi-top sneakers

The Guys of Comedy Central's Fake News Shows

I have to exclude Jon Stewart from this list. He has too much suave and was once a VJ for MTV. But Cambridge University graduate and  "Daily Show" correspondent John Oliver, with his crooked teeth and strangely greasy hair is more knowledgeable about America's current news events than Americans.

During an interview with the Gothamist, speaking on how his perception of America changed upon moving here, John Oliver said " It’s been interesting being on the inside looking out. I don’t think the rest of the world appreciates just how divided this country is. America is presented to us foreigners very much as a united front, which clearly couldn’t be further from the truth. And this is where the current worrying trend of anti-Americanism is fostered – it is too easy to forget that not only do many people here have to live with a president whom they didn’t elect, but they also have to live with the people who did. That this country has not once more erupted into civil war shows admirable restraint. It does seem a shame that some of the most wonderful things this nation was built on – free speech, a questioning of authority, and non conformity have somehow been twisted into being labeled ‘Un-American’.

I give honorable mention to Stephen Colbert.  He's older, married and  his classic anchorman hair is hard to get past, but when he laughs at his own jokes, it melts my heart.

Button Down-Oxford, Skinny Suit and Sneakers

There once was a time when women with mud matted-hair looked for a neanderthal man that could club a saber-toothed wart hog like creature, one that could literally bring home the prehistoric bacon.

I'd like to think we ladies have evolved away from the "unga bunga" phase. Though, there are still some women who are attracted to strictly athletes and meat heads. Perhaps the crushing of Budweiser bottles across the forehead symbolizes some sort of extraordinary protective strengths.

For me though, nothing is sexier than a man who can talk physics, psychology and in general, demonstrate superior intellect over his fellow men.  Really, only a small percentage of beef cakes will go on to make millions in the NFL.  A man that can geek it out, in my opinion has much more promise.  Before I catch flack from all the feminists out there, I'm not just talking about monetary gains.  Its the ability to hold a conversation that captures my interests, challenges what I think I know and if we're considering carrying on the human race, I would prefer egg-head children.

Though, I don't know if the clothing makes the man, there is something attractive about that quirky psusdo nerd style.  So here is an ode to my favorite geeky guys and their eccentric styles.

Pharrell Williams

"Just like working in the studio or being with the girl I love. Things just need to fit naturally. Fashion's more about feel than science." Pharell told Esquire. Its been some time since making the magazine's "21 Best Dressed Men in the World" in 2005

Before Kayne West started wearing bow ties, dark-rimmed glasses and proclaiming himself style star, there was Pharrell.  You can thank him for bringing Polo shirts, cable-knit sweaters and non-ass baring pants into hip-hop.

Right now, some of you might be saying, Pharrell is a producer and musician. How does that qualify him to be listed here? Well, aside from the fact that he's the go-to successful hit maker for some of the world's biggest names in pop music like Jay Z, Snoop Dog, Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake, according to his wikipedia bio, he is a fan of Carl Sagan, astronomer, astrochemist and Pulitzer Prize winning non fiction writer.  Oh, and he even attended band camp during high school summer break. *cough* Geek *cough*

Flannel and Waffle Sneakers from Pharrell's Clothing Line, Ice Cream.

Camo sneakers and silk tie from Pharell's Billionaire Boy's Club

Dr. Who

I don't know much about the actor, David Tennant, who plays Dr. Who in the BBC's same titled television series about a time traveling alien. His space ship is a 1950's style London police box. Is it weird that I'm getting a excited after typing those last few sentences?  Anyway, most of the time I have no f*cking idea whats going on during the hour long adventures, but it doesn't matter because Im distracted by the the squirrely peculiar doctor.  Its not the actor himself, but the odd, messy-haired character wearing tailored tweeds, ties and raggedy ivory Converse All-Stars, delivering lines such as "I battle with monsters."

Tweed Jacket, Eddie Bauer, Converse All Stars

Wool Trench and Black framed glasses.