Fashion Funhouse Emporium

Feel the Tree, Be the Tree...

Fashion Emporium Editor — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 18:47:22 EST

Photos: J.B. Spector/the Museum of Science and Industry

Most women love an event where they can get dressed up all princess-debutant-like. For ladies like myself, those events don't come along too often.

I jump at the chance to enter a room (late of course) where everyone stops sipping from their champagne glasses and Cosmos. They look at you because you look stunning. The bartender's jaw drops as his bottle of Dom Perignon slips out of his hands and crashes to the floor. A woman slaps the satisfied smile off her gawking date's face. A man asks "who is that?" and his friend answers "I don't know, but I wish I did...."

Okay. That scenario has never happened to me. Usually, I'm the one standing at the bar in a boring, safe black dress. Im dipping a napkin in soda water, trying to remove horseradish dip stain off my dress which bursted out of the fried seafood hors d'oeuvre when I bit into it. PS, no one is telling me that the parsley garnish is still stuck in my teeth.

But, surely this dress constructed from 24,000 full color LEDs made by a London based design duo should grab attention, unless there are blind people in the room.

"We used the smallest full-color LEDs, flat like paper, and measuring only 2 by 2 mm. The circuits are extra-thin, flexible and hand-embroidered on a layer of silk in a way that gives it stretch so the LED fabric can move like normal fabric with lightness and fluidity.” say designers Francesca Rosella and Ryan Genz, the creators of the Galaxy Dress

Check out this site called Cute Circuit that creates what it refers to as wearable technology and interaction design.

Emporium Style: Monopoly Fashion for Losers

Fashion Emporium Editor — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 11:10:04 EDT

The Monopoly World Championship was held last Thursday in Las Vegas. I don't get the infatuation with pretending to spend money on real estate I cant actually dwell in. Even the big beauty chain Sephora jumped on the bandwagon with others like Seinfeld and Reebok and came out with their own glammed up version of the board game.

Fox News announced the winner of the big Monopoly suck-fest as being 19 year old Bjorn Halvard Knappskog and reported the event in excruciatingly painful detail. (which may or may not be true given the source). Knappskog won $20,580 in real money for the title. Now go gamble that sum for real, you're a teenager in Vegas, for f*cks sake. Schmergen Blergen, Bjorn!

The losers, however, won a big fat sum of nothing dollars and zilch cents, which pretty much sums up my lifetime of playing the abusive business practice board game.

Hence, Fashion Funhouse Emporium gives you Monopoly Fashion for Losers.

Toilet Necklace, Fred Flare

When I'm forced to play this cardboard family bonanza of "fun," I just wear this necklace and remove the charm to swap out with any game piece. Why? because that's where all of my fun colored dollars go--right down the shitter.

LED Faceless Watch, 100%

I wear this faceless watch so I can't easily view how many hours of my life had been wasted shelling out fake money for fake bills. Why wear a watch at all you may ask? Simple, the time function displays when the button is pressed, which comes in handy if the game goes on to its fifth hour and I want to plot my own death by slitting my wrists with a luxury tax card. "Okay if this goes on for one more second...."

Coin Purse, Fred Flare

It's not my fault that I always lose. I blame lack of regulation and over zealous lenders. Why are you letting me buy B & O Railroad when I have barely enough cash to cover it? Duh, the only other thing I own on the entire board is Baltic Avenue! You'll only be getting my one rent by the hour motel as collateral.

Stripe Dress, Topshop

If I'm going to sit in jail through 4,000 of my turns, why not look cute while doing it?

Tee by Junk Food, Amazon

Some people buy fake Louis Vuitton, others just prefer to be more literal with dollar sign gold necklaces or cash money embellished hoodies. Consider this the Monopoly version. I don't got it, but I'm gonna flaunt it.

Lamborghini Makes 'Seriously Hot Heels' for Penis Car Enthusiasts

Fashion Emporium Editor — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 12:57:24 EDT

The concept of a "car shoe" would've been cool when I was three.

These shoes do look remarkably like the dream sports car of every small weenie man who needs the rumble of a fast motor to compensate. Though, I am not sure who Lamborghini intended to make these pumps for --aforementioned men with foot fetishes? Luckily, they are only a creative concept. For now.

The Italian penis car designer is no stranger to blowing its load, er, logo all over all sorts of products from the usual hats, tees and jackets to the more absolutely unrelated paperweights, candles, and playing cards. Perhaps most bizarre is the Lambo flask. Because nothing mixes better with a car that accelerates to 62 miles per hour in four seconds than a nice chug of vodka.

If youre too high brow for the NASCAR beer cozie and couch, head on over to Lamborghini and order some swank speed machine swag.