Fashion Funhouse Emporium

I kept hearing people say "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" is the funniest show ever. I wanted to check it out, but really, someone as lazy as me should really not be adding another must watch show to the mile long list that already exists. Alas, too much coffee + late night + channel surfing = Another hilarious show.

The first episode I caught, I was utterly confused as to who these people were and how they even knew each other. And this is what I saw:

(Uh, viewer discression is advised? Possibly NSFW...)

It was bizarre, weird, and I kept singing the Troll Toll song for weeks-- and yet I had to watch again. I  imagine this is people's impression of myself when we first meet.  I mean, bizarre and weird, not a as a pimping troll.

What's all this have to do with fashion? Well, if you've ever noticed the Paddy's crew wearing off-beat t-shirts and wonder where they got them, here's where:

When the group of design-minded friends started cranking out their first few designs for the company Sub_Urban Riot, their friends Rob McElhenney, Glenn Howerton, and Charlie Day were doing a little tv show. Sub_Urban Riot lent the cast members some duds, then decided that, according to their site, " it way more fun to actually design tees FOR their characters. So, that’s how it started. And, it explains why we have tees on our website with such a big range in themes; from Windmills, to ridiculous rearing Stallions."

The crackpot team of designers use sustainable materials, not because its hip to act like you care, but rather "so your kids aren’t born with three arms and a tail."

Tees for the guys: Sub_Urban Riot, photos courtesy of Sub_Urban Riot

Tees for women, Sub_Urban Riot

And even kids. Sub_Urban Riot

The Monopoly World Championship was held last Thursday in Las Vegas. I don't get the infatuation with pretending to spend money on real estate I cant actually dwell in. Even the big beauty chain Sephora jumped on the bandwagon with others like Seinfeld and Reebok and came out with their own glammed up version of the board game.

Fox News announced the winner of the big Monopoly suck-fest as being 19 year old Bjorn Halvard Knappskog and reported the event in excruciatingly painful detail. (which may or may not be true given the source). Knappskog won $20,580 in real money for the title. Now go gamble that sum for real, you're a teenager in Vegas, for f*cks sake.  Schmergen Blergen, Bjorn!

The losers, however, won a big fat sum of nothing dollars and zilch cents, which pretty much sums up my lifetime of playing the abusive business practice board game.

Hence, Fashion Funhouse Emporium gives you Monopoly Fashion for Losers.

Toilet Necklace, Fred Flare

When I'm forced to play this cardboard family bonanza of "fun," I just wear this necklace and remove the charm to swap out with any game piece. Why?  because that's where all of my fun colored dollars go--right down the shitter.

LED Faceless Watch, 100%

I wear this faceless watch so I can't easily view how many hours of my life had been wasted shelling out fake money for fake bills.  Why wear a watch at all you may ask?  Simple, the time function displays when the button is pressed, which comes in handy if  the game goes on to its fifth hour and I want to plot my own death by slitting my wrists with a luxury tax card.  "Okay if this goes on for one more second...."

Coin Purse, Fred Flare

It's not my fault that I always lose. I blame lack of regulation and over zealous lenders.  Why are you letting me buy B & O Railroad when I have barely enough cash to cover it?  Duh, the only other thing I own on the entire board is Baltic Avenue! You'll only be getting my one rent by the hour motel as collateral.

Stripe Dress, Topshop

If I'm going to sit in jail through 4,000 of my turns, why not look cute while doing it?

Tee by Junk Food, Amazon

Some people buy fake Louis Vuitton, others just prefer to be more literal with dollar sign gold necklaces or cash money embellished hoodies. Consider this the Monopoly version. I don't got it, but I'm gonna flaunt it.

RAAAAAUURGGH! I can't reach you little meaty creature! I have tiny arms!

Call me stupid, but this joke never gets old.

Photo: Tee Fury

Tee Fury is a site dedicated to the love of  limited edition tee-shirts.  While the tiny dino arm shirt is gone, hipsters, tee-enthusiasts and casual dressers should check the site daily for the 24 hour frenzy sale on thier quirky artist of the day creations.

The concept of a "car shoe" would've been cool when I was three.

These shoes do look remarkably like the dream sports car of every small weenie man who needs the rumble of a fast motor to compensate.  Though, I am not sure who Lamborghini intended to make these pumps for --aforementioned men with foot fetishes?  Luckily, they are only a creative concept. For now.

The Italian penis car designer is no stranger to blowing its load, er, logo all over all sorts of products from the usual hats, tees and jackets to the more absolutely unrelated paperweights, candles, and playing cards. Perhaps most bizarre is the Lambo flask.  Because nothing mixes better with a car that accelerates to 62 miles per hour in four seconds than a nice chug of vodka.

If youre too high brow for the NASCAR beer cozie and couch, head on over to Lamborghini and order some swank speed machine swag.

photos: Bess NYC

Stolen from the anti-hippie punk fashion of the seventies, this past year has seen everything from jewelry, bags, shoes and even jeans adorned with grommets, spikes and pyramid studs. While the puncturing of all that can be stamped in studs is said to be a passing trend, It will always be classic style (or anti-style) in my mind.  I think Bess NYC agrees.

photo: bess nyc

The expensive leather and shredded  lower east side store can probably be imitated easily with a little do -it yourself action, but any designer that can put both a man and a woman in a studded garter belt deserves some serious cred.

Though, the upside down cross necklaces and bedazzled pentagram bag are more burn-down-the-church- thrash-black metal than piss-out-a-hotel window-on-passers by-punk. And, the price point? Well, that's rich-kid-trying-to-be-a-rock star.  But still...

Check out the looks from their Fall 2009 line.

photos: Bess NYC

I laughed. I cried. I even gagged.

Sometimes just because something exists, doesn't mean it should be made into accessories.

This is Fashion Funhouse Emporium's "jewelry that made me laugh and/or gag uncontrollably, partly out of awkwardness, and then out of sheer immaturity."

VulvaLoveLovely (NSFW- I  repeat, not safe for work!) I'm not posting a picture of this jewelry collection because of the obvious, and I don't want to see a stranger's snooby dooby doo every time I log on to my blog.

This designer offers a handmade replica of your "Noni Mitchell" if you take a picture and send it to her. If you're too shy to snap a low angle picture of your poon, then feel free to send the designer a description via email. No. Seriously, "In your description please include: The shape of your inner and outer labia..."

Listen, If I wanted the whole world to see my stuff, I'd go pantless.  But,that's just me.

I suppose if you've been inspired by the "Vagina Monologues" and feel the need to get loud and proud about your pudenda, then head on over to Etsy and order.

Photo: Polly Van der Glas

Polly Van der Glas is an Australian designer who uses old molars of some people you don't know as glistening gems.  Okay, maybe they're not quite glistening, in fact a few of these human tooth necklaces look like they have a bit of fossilized Twinkie stuck in the crevices. But if you wanna go all "Apocalypes Now" with out cutting off human ears, then teeth are your best option.

Photo: Etsy

Moose Poop Doo Doo Nugget -  I didn't  make that up. That is how this product is listed. You know that saying "you can't shine sh*t?" Well, you totally can. Some guy in Maine did it and made it into a necklace. Animal Feces. Around your neck.

Turns out this is not some random joke.

Apparently in Talkeetna, Alaska  there is an "annual Moose Dropping Festival that celebrates moose nuggets. The most unusual event during this festival is the dropping of a thousand moose nuggets from a hot-air balloon onto the crowd below."

They never say exactly why they are dropping moose deuce all over people.

Sarah Palin, remember that beauty endorsement you were looking for? Its not lipstick, but its jewelry. What do you say?

And all I keep thinking about is this:

Here is the original:

The trail of my bizarre thought process then ends here -- thinking about the current weight debate in the fashion industry right now:  "real" women models vs. thin,  self-proclaimed "fatshionistas," editors calling out for a ban on size zero models or clothing samples, Ralph Lauren's stick figure ads and of course, Uncle Karl Lagerfeld saying fat ladies are jealous and just eat chips all the time.

Discuss.