Fashion Funhouse Emporium

Yes, I know its Monday. The title says Sunday.  But I was stuffing my gob with, well, stuffing and I'm just coming out of my food coma now.  So with out further delay....

HEALTHY SKIN IS HOPPIN' AWAY

Reuters - All of you sun lovers and tanning bed buddies, great news! It turns out that Kangaroos have been "holding the key to preventing skin cancer." Tricky bastards.  Maybe if we get pogo sticks, we'll have a chance at actually catching up to them and getting our key back.  Though, this might be a major blow to Lindsay Lohan and her Seven Nyne self- tanning venture.

Don't just stand there! Get him!

W MAG: DEMI'S A HAG!

Oh No They Didn't - Did Demi Moore have an out of body experience?  All over the internet, the rumours are a flyin' that Ashton's Sugar Moma's bangin' body on the cover of "W" is actually that of one supermodel Anja Rubik. That's totally fine with me.  Demi's picture is my Facebook profile pic. My old classmates are so jealous of how hot I got.

Can someone explain why any of the below would need edited?

CHILD LABEL WHORES

Racked - People went insane over Stella McCartney for Gap Kids, so much so that grown women are trying to squeeze their adult asses into children's clothes. Ill admit, I squeezed myself into a child- size Dora the Explorer costume this past Halloween, but that's only because I was dressing up as "Dora the former child star" who was pathetically still wearing her clothes from the show years later.

OMG! I can totally fit into these jeans and band jacket!

BARBIE DOES DON

Bnet -Barbie just cant get her shit together when it comes to men. Its rumored that she was seen canoodling with adulterous womanizer Don Draper.  First that loser Ken, who just wanted to surf all day or work on his "music," and now this.

Why does he look like a 12 year old boy? Maybe appealing to the Barbie crowd?

Photo: DraftFCB

THE NEW FOIL HELMET

NY Mag - Karl Lagerfeld is selling the perfect recession friendly gift. Mink and jewel encrusted helmets.  Drop 1800K to 7K for one of these head protectors and you'll never have to worry about people who try to pick your brain in an attempt to steal your style.

Big Brother cant get to you with all these jewels surrounding your noggin.

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SEXING UP SANTA

Reuters - Santa Gets a Face-lift.  In Auckland New Zealand, a tall fiberglass Father Christmas decoration received $100,000 in "cosmetic surgery."  There were concerns that his droopy, elderly face was scaring children.

The new sexified Santa looks like this:

:

This is Kenny Rogers post plastic surgery if you didnt know!

LUMP O' TRUMP

New York Daily News - Who's the healthiest tycoon you know?  Trumpification world domination continues with Trump vitamins! Want feathery orange hair and skin to match?  You got it!

LL Cool Trump....Ladies Love Cool Trump!

CROC OF SH*T

Shiny Style -Join the Croc's community and share your ideas, thoughts and deepest darkest foam fantasies! I have this fantasy with me and Mario Batali that involves pasta, a wooden spoon and orange crocs.

Oh yea....you're a dirty, nasty chef, arent you!

JESUS GAP CHRIST!

Adweek - Christian groups want the Gap to put the "Christ" back in "Christ-mas"!  Nothing represents the Christian religious holiday better than buying loads of v-neck sweaters made by six year old children in India. How is Santa going to come visit them if  they are up all night knitting?

The Tower of Terror:

Photo: Adweek

CHECK YO' SELF, FOOL

Telegraph - Fashion Funhouse did a blog this week on all the crap, both unlicensed and official, that was tagged with loads of  Louis Vuitton logos.  This is the chav-tastic version, a Burberry nova check house.

Actually, I have to admit, this looks kind of cool.

Photo: Universal News And Sport

Is it okay to hawk the holidays now?  I'm already annoyed by the Gap's "Go Christmas" commercial and cars with colossal bows, so my friends, its time.  From now and every weekend until "X-mas" Fashion Funhouse Emporium will be bringing you cracked out gift guides so you can get that special someone something stupid.  But, I do like to take myself way too seriously sometimes, so I'll provide you with cool and unusual gift ideas as well.  Enjoy!

This week: gifts for guys!

These Japan Self-Defense Force Sunglasses have been officially endorsed by the Japanese military. They will not shatter when an object hits them at 106mph. So somewhere, some solider in Tokyo stood wearing these glasses while testers launched high speed sharp shit at his face.  Ideal for the guy who wants the an "official Red Ryder carbine-action 200-shot range model air rifle with a compass in the stock!"

If  your grampa is paranoid that the "damn Japs" are trying to steal his dentures, this Dirty Underwear Safe will put his old mind at ease.  Though, I want to warn you that the real enemy here is most likely crack heads and doo doo streaked underwear is not a deterrent seeing as crack heads will dig through their own steaming pile of feces with a Taco Bell spork if they thought there was a rock in there.

I hate sports and I grew up in a sports town. Pretty much every gift request from my brother was a Steelers replica football shirt of some name I couldn't remember like the guy with the hair, Trace Palomolive? Anyway there's nothing more nightmarish than venturing into a Modell's and wading through aisles of NFL endorsed beer cozies and mini dancing Santas in team colors.  Get him this and act like you have no idea what a replica jersey is.

You bought your Dad a tie for every birthday, Christmas, fathers day and anniversary since you were five, so why stray from what you know?  Get him a gift that says" I still don't know what you want from me?  Why cant you just accept me as I am??" with this recycled tie wallet.

I was struggling on finding one more gift for the Fashion Funhouse Emporium Funky Fab Five Holiday Guide so I asked my boyfriend for a fun and unique suggestion.  He said "Marc Ekco makes Star Wars Hoodies!"  I told him that no woman wants to see their adult boyfriend in a Star Wars hoodie.  Though, these  Darth Vader cufflnks are quirky, yet subtle with my tux. We love a man with a sense of playfulness don/t we?  It says I'm fun, but "I don't fantasize about my girlfriend wearing two braid buns while I dress as a storm trooper ..."

This is perhaps the dumbest idea ever. If you were thinking about getting your lady some sexy lingerie for the holidays, leave this one off your list.

What do you get for the woman who has everything and a penchant for being stalked?  How about underwear with a built in GPS!

At first you would assume that these state of the art intimates were designed by some creepy scar faced man sitting in his dark basement science lab, while rubbing his palms together and laughing manically.  Annie Smith stood him up as his prom date and he hasn't seen her since. If he can only sneak into her apartment and lay them on her bed in a creepily wrapped brown paper gift box.  Then she will be all his...muhahahahahahhahahahahaha!

But they are actually designed by a woman.  Brazilian designer Lucia Lorio created these lacy pretty things called "Find Me if You Can" for the man (or lesbian) who wants to keep tabs on that ass, literally.

When asked if she thinks this could be detrimental in any way, Lucia says "This collection... is a wink to women and a challenge to men because, even if she gives him the password to her GPS, she can always turn it off. "She can be found only if she wants to."

Thank goodness no one has the skills to hack passwords, otherwise they'd be forced to good old fashion window peeping.

Photo: Lucia Lorio, AFP

Believe it or not, I have a day job.  I try to post everyday, but sometimes Im carrying five shopping bags to the L train in unsensible heels.  So click the little follow me link and don't miss one moment of all the manic posts that happen on Fashion Funhouse Emporium!

Im watching you!

Following the Ralph Lauren ad controversy in which model Filippa Hamilton was photoshopped into a Hamptons style Bratz doll, the fashion and publishing industry is about to take another slap on the ass.

In the aftermath of the media attention regarding the ad, the Swedish born 23 year old model told the New York Daily News that she was fired because she couldn't fit into the clothes anymore. Recently rumors surfaced that Gemma Ward, a model whose walked the runways of every elite from Marc Jacobs to Valentino is quitting the catwalk due to the industry and media scrutiny regarding her weight gain.

It seems the great weight debate among fashion and the "real world" isn't going away. Its latest target?  Babies.

Baby Jake is much happier and comfortable with his weight after quitting modeling.

News broke this past Sunday that a leading editor at a magazine admitted that babies were being "airbrushed" to make them look more attractive. Practical Parenting and Pregnancy, a monthly magazine, has said they only did this because they wanted to "put them across in the best light".

And now, baby models are falling on their diaper padded behinds under the pressure.  Baby Jake, who rose to fame when he was chosen for the coveted Parisian Baby September cover has decided to retire from modeling. This news was announced at a press conference by his spokesperson, mother Irene.

Says Irene, "Jake has informed me by crying loudly at every photo shoot that we've attempted in the last 3 weeks that he no longer wants to be a model. That is all the information that I can give you at this time."

But, when we caught up with Irene and Jake in their Upper East Side New York home later in the week, the truth was revealed as to why baby Jake was really crying.

"I was a fat baby," says Irene holding a picture of herself when she was 6 months old, Jake's age now.  Irene adds "so I know." She wipes a tear from her eye and continues "... what its like when people call you things like chubalub and chunka chunka thighs."

She first noticed that Jake's size was a problem at a photo shoot for Mode a la Bebe.  A stylist tried to put him in a size 0-3 months Winnie the Pooh onesie, but a recent switch from just milk to cream cereal caused Jake to pack on the pounds.

"The stylist was trying to stuff him in these pajamas and he was crying.  I asked if she had another size. She told me they don't make infant sample size clothing in Jake's size and if he wanted to model, he would need to adapt.'  I immediately took him home and encouraged him to exercise in his Mr. Frog Fun-time Baby Bouncer, but he would just fall asleep in it." Said Irene.

After several instances of the same story, agents recommended that Jake consider plus size modeling.  Jake remained uncooperative on those shoots as well.  That's when his mother called a press conference to announce his retirement.

We asked Jake if he planned to return to modeling any time soon, but he just snatched the tape recorder from our hands and shoved it in his mouth. We assume his decision is final.

Read more about BBC's "My Supermodel Baby"

Read the original article in Telegraph UK

Did you know Renaud Dutreil, Chairman of Louis Vuitton Moet Hennesey rides his bike to work every day? He's not stopping there. In an attempt to make New York City a little bit more brown, er, green,  the status symbol company is launching a partnership with American Composers Orchestra. A contest will take place to find the most inspirational orchestral works based on the theme "A Greener New York City."

While I applaud charity and making the world a better place, if Dutriel and company really want to help the environment, perhaps they should send employees out with a bucket and sponge to wash away all of the horrific creations adorned with tiny "L's" and "V's".

Why live in a mansion when your home exterior decals say it all?

Unless ol' Renaud likes to get down with the bubonic chronic, I'm pretty sure you won't find this in the 5th Avenue flagship store.

Get your nails did...once people see your claws stamped with status, they'll know you're someone. Someone that has extra scratch for big Lou.

The Louis Vuitton Cutlass, for those of you that got it, but don't want to flaunt it...but still sorta want to.

Nothing says I bleed money like a Louis Vuitton bandage

You can drive 55 in your Louis Vuitton Cutlass, but how will people notice that you got the goods?  Drive slower, of course!  For those like to be a little more flashy, crawl by and let everyone hawk you on the LV Vespa.

Even my trash got class. Go ahead, dig in my garbage. I left some wads of cash in there along with my kid's sh*tty Louie Logo diapers.

And while I'm 99.9 percent positive that the above products were not licensed by Louis Vuitton Moet Hennesy (too lazy to research, quite frankly, but Im willing to bet they never made a Cutlass or band aids) I still blame them for marketing their products as the penis car of fashion.

And, Louis, themselves are no strangers to marking sh*t up with thier look-at-me logos. The following are actual creations from the lux house:

Murakami for Louis Vuitton Fifth Avenue flagship store. If you build it, they will come.  They --the tourists will come in, feel up your handbags not buy.  But they will take pictures and paint it on their own houses.

This concept design, the Malle Mars Trunk was created to mark the 40th Anniversary of the Lunar Landing.  While you can't buy it, don't think LV wont launch this bitch up to the moon to show those martians who's high class. USA! USA! LOUIS VUITTON! LOUIS VUITTON!

I leave you with this...

When I first heard this musical ode to Louie (and Gucci) I thought that T.I. was saying "doodie rag" as in a rag he uses to wipe his ass.  Then it occurred to me that I may be lacking in my current knowledge of street slang and did a Google search for the lyrics. It turns out he is saying "Louie Rag" as in Louis Vuitton.  Peace Out...I'm going to get a  logo adorned scarf to swing around in the clubs right now.  Wait, I meant rag.