Fashion Funhouse Emporium

I ended my year with two interviews for full-time jobs. I'm a little superstitious, so I cant reveal the who, what and where. Does this mean my freelance life is about to make the transition to a daily alarm, subway commutes and a cubicle?  I suppose I have to get while the gettin is good...so they say.

Given this year's Great Fashion Crash, I feel grateful that there are fashion industry opportunities for me.  Though, talk to me about two months in to getting my ass up and sitting in an office for twelve hours a day and I might be forgetting about my good fortunes! I digress.

Retailers struggled this year. Many stores closed their doors or reduced the amount of stores. Luxury companies temporarily or permanently laid off workers, including Cartier, Chanel, and Prada.  From the couture house of Christian Lacroix to the woodsy Eddie Bauer, bankruptcies popped up like overdraft fees in my sad bank account.

Some of our favorite lines took their last strut down the runway.  Some called in the consultants and sold to corporations, some liquidated. Cue that cheesy early 90's Boyz To Men song....It's soooooo hard to say goooood bye....

Ossie Clark

Photo: Style.com

"Harry Potter" star Emma Watson showed up in vintage Ossie Clark for the movie's London premier. Though the brand just relaunched this year, it cited the market conditions for shutting down the line once again.

Luella Bartley

Photo: nymag.com/Imaxtree

Known for her splashy and kitchy prints, the UK designer told the Independent UK her line was "forced out of business after one of its main suppliers closed."

Yohji Yamamoto

Photo: Style.com

The namesake label of the Japanese designer filed for bankruptcy protection in October of 2009.  Yoji Yamamoto was rescued by Intergral Corp, a private equity fund, who will oversee the company's restructuring.  Yamamoto will retain a minority stake.  The sliced leggings will live on, otherwise Lindsay Lohan might have needed to look elsewhere for "inspiration."

Phi

Photo: Style.com

Phi, Fi, Fo, Fum....after pre-spring, the label is done. That doesn't rhyme at all. Anyway, the 6 year old sportswear line will cease production after it's Pre-spring collection hits stores. Though Phi showed at New York Fashion week for the spring 2010 season, the line will not be produced.

Veronique Branquinho

Photo: Style.com

The feminine and sophisticated designs of Veronique Branquinho are no longer after the court appointed her to liquidate.  Canceled, reduced and non payment on orders left the 11 year old label no other choice but to shut down.  Too bad, I'd practically wear everything on her Fall 2009 runway, that is, if I had that kind of money to spend.  Which I don't and apparently others don't.

Yoko Devereaux

Photo: Fashion Week Daily

This fellow Brooklynite men's designer was applauded by hipsters and loved by Pharell. When I logged on to the Yoko Devereaux website, the home page greeted me with "Bitch Be Dead, RIP Yoko D"

Bill Bass

Photo: Style.com

While technically, Bill Blass filed for bankruptcy on New Years Eve 2008, but with head designer Peter Som said to have been contractually obligated to present his spring 2009 collection and the emergence of photographic evidence of presentations dated 2009, Im calling the time of death: 2009.  I do know this. If I was under contract and I was forced to do one more line, I'd make sure the only person actually willing to wear it would be Lady Gaga. How fun would that be?

Fortunoff

Photo: polyvore.com

They liquidated. They were reacquired. What does this mean? I guess its up in the air like all of the other companies that saw the same fate.

Mary Norton

Photo: Marynorton.com

We had a special place in our hearts for Ms. Mary when I worked at In Style Weddings. She always had the most sparkling and bridal worthy clutches.  The company is now liquidated as well.

Escada

Photo: designscene.net

Not even supermodel and yoga enthusiast Christy Turlington could help save Escada from being on the brink of insolvency.  What did save the high end lux label was being purchased by 33 year old Megha Mittal and her billionaire family.

Christian Lacroix

Photo: Style.com

The prince of whimsy, Christian Lacroix's label, according to WWD has been reduced to nothing more than a licensing operation.  After a year of bids and possible buyers, the house will cease to create couture.  Looking back at photos, Lacroix's influence has been undeniable, from the black and white striped full skirt to ombre tights.

Celebrity Branding: No Longer Standing

J Lo: Her Sweetface is turning to sour as the brand is "put on hiatus."

Lauren Conrad - She went to Kohls quietly. Doesn't seem to be what she had in mind when she was talking about "revamping her line"

Hiedi Montag- I admit, I really don't know who she is, or Lauren Conrad for that matter. Apparently they were both on the same show and both made clothes that I didn't buy.

Kristin Davis- The Sex in The City Star's design career was over before it began.

Kanye West- Um, the opinionated rapper's design career was over before it began?

Sarah Jessica Parker - Steve and Barry's department store is no more, leaving SJP no place to peddle her wares.

Mandy Moore- She totally loves fashion guys, but, its like hard.

Hiedi Klum - Dey vanted to ovne da clover motif. Translation:  Lawsuits with Van Cleef & Arpels are too expensive to keep fighting.

When I decided to become a freelance assistant about a year and a half ago, I was sure there would be enough work to keep me busy.  After all, its a learning process, so even a little money is good money.  I can't say that I've starved. I have worked this year, but the older, wiser and chicer stylists tell me "It aint like it used to be"

I would assume there was a time when a girl from Pittsburgh could move to New York City and say "I want to do fashion print editorial only."  But the equation it seems, goes like this: thousands of stylists and wannabes from all over the country, vying for few editorials in the few magazines that have remained in print.  The fashion editors at these once revered glossy editions have been scaled back to skeleton crews and unpaid interns.

No problem, I'll just pick up fashion advertising work...that is if advertisers weren't cutting back on how much they spend resulting in fewer shoots.  Okay, what about look books for designers? Nope. A public relations rep at a mutli-line showroom told me, like many others, "We are concentrating on selling to stores so were not putting out press materials for "X" line.  So, the thousands of stylists who once had a one track path then compete for the scraps...sale catalogs, pharmaceutical ads in which they dress people elderly people in cardigans, etc.  In summary, its all connected and when the print drops off, so do the jobs.

While online will go on since it only takes a digital image and anyone with computer, it seems we all have the same idea in mind, right? We've read countless articles on some kid blogging about fashion sitting front row at fashion week next to Ms. Anna Wintour. Some online rags are contemplating charging subscription fees for content they've been giving away for free. The just  want some extra scratch in addition to relying on Prada, Gucci and Calvin Klein's high profile photographer snapped images of models in couture.

But with millions of fashion, celebrity and beauty sites, who will survive this second round of magazine dot com "boom"? When all is right with the world again and people have an extra five bucks to drop at the newsstands, will print will come back?

Indeed, its a hard knock life for us aspiring to work in fashion!

In light of the year's end, I thought we should take a look back at the publications that collapsed and the clothing lines that went with them.  To me, it shall be known as the Great Fashion Crash of 2009.

PART 1 - MAGAZINES

The day the Music Died: Giant,  Blender, Radar and Vibe

Photo: Giantmag.com

While its true that Blender, Giant and Vibe are music focused magazines, there were people for us stylists to dress for their covers and spreads.

Radar's print version was far different than its new TMZ style online version.  Remember when Radar dressed up skeletons in couture? Maybe not so lucrative for models, but someone dressed those bones.

I remember a specific Giant cover with Ms. Jackson, Janet....if you're nasty.  The African-American geared entertainment and lifestyle magazine shuttered its print edition in November. The president of Radio One which owns Giant told Ad Age "The economic downturn has had a tremendous impact on print media, and we had to make the decision to suspend printing the publication. Additionally, we recognize the increase in demand for real-time information..."  To abbreviate the previous quote: sh*t is cheaper online.

Foreclosure on Homes: Metropolitan Home, Southern Accent, Domino, Country Home, O! At Home, and Home

Photo: writenews.com

I suppose if you're having trouble keeping your home, then you're not going to be decorating it, or your second home in the country, for that matter.  If there are no proud home owners sitting at a gloriously decorated table, then there is no one to wear clothes.  There are no more underwear ads between the pages of $400 blankets, no pretty women holding silver vases, or bouffant-haired beauties holding gourmet casseroles.

Speaking of Gourmet, I might as well lump the print edition of that magazine in here as well.  It seems even the 68 year old foodie bible couldn't find a way to make the economical box o' wine chic.

The Wedding is Off! Elegant Bride, Modern Bride, In Style Weddings

Photo: InStyleweddings.com

Brides-to-be apparently are wearing their mom's old dresses and paying no attention to the newest fashions for matrimonial bliss. Or, if they are, they are not dog-earring the pages of glossies, but rather printing out photos on their home computers.

I have a particular sadness for these losses. No, it has nothing to do with a possible wedding for yours truly. One of my first magazine interviews was for Modern Bride and I am one of the In Style Special Issues alumni. My first shoot as a fashion assistant was for good ol' In Style Weddings. Sniff.  Sniff.

Who's Minding the Children? Teen, Cookie and Wondertime, Nickeloden's Nick and Nick Jr.

Highlights, that magazine which eerily reminds me of childhood doctor visits is still around, but Nickeloden's kid-targeted print is not.  Parents no longer have Disney's Wondertime or Conde Nast's Cookie to tell them how to bring up baby in style. I guess its back to Dr. Spock's book of parenting.

And sadly, that magazine called Teen  from which some of us, not mentioning any names, tore out posters of Micheal J. Fox in an orange vest and dual colored denim, has ended its pre-pubescent  55 year reign of encouraging lust.  Cosmo-Girl published its last issue in December 2008, leaving an empty spot in the hearts of  teen girls every where in January 2009.

It's not Raining Men: Playgirl, Best Life, Arena

Photo: writenews.com

It appears men don't care about being in vogue or obtaining the best life unless its online. Additionally, no homosexual males or hetero-females want to be seen buying a magazine featuring Bristol Palin's baby daddy in the buff.

Does Anyone Care About the Little Guys? Regionals (Atlanta Life, Tampa Bay Living, Denver Living) Figure, New York Look,  I.D., Craft

Photo: IDmag.com

The great thing about capitalism is that anyone with a wish and a dream for their very own magazine about fuller figures, art or the city they love can make it happen. What is the downside of an economy based on turning a profit? Sometimes the giants win the battle.

A Meeting with "The Bobs": T Magazine, Vogue, Teen Vogue, W, Lucky, Glamour (Pretty much any print publication at Conde Nast) and Rolling Stone

The consultants came in, everyone on staff knew what this meant. Some packed up their squishy stress ball and desk lamp before announcements were made.  Though, none of the above have folded, they issued pink slips to cut costs.

Rolling Stone downsized in the most literal way. The big coffee table rag went from 10 X 11.75 inches to a more portable 8 X 11.

VISIT FASHION FUNHOUSE EMPORIUM FOR "THE GREAT FASHION CRASH OF 2009 - PART 2: CLOTHING LINES THAT SHUTTERED"

I awoke at crack of dawn this am due to my landlord stomping around on the roof looking for leaks that recently made puddles in my bedroom. Having nothing better to do besides wait around in my fleece fuzzy pajamas that say "Joy" and "Merry" (which I am not at this hour) I decided to get  a jump start on the blogging.

I checked the WWD Morning Report for juicy tidbits to cast my snark or my oh so important approval upon. I came across an article about another clothing company cashing in on the fame of the Beatles.  This time its John Lennon. Meh. It happens all the time. Its not so interesting, right?

But, then I read to the end of the story and I see this: "Rock and Roll Religion has made several celebrity-related fashion deals in the past year. The company launched men’s lines with musician Scott Weiland and actor Charlie Sheen."

What? Back dat ass up!  Okay, the Scott Wieland connection is a little weird, but Charlie Sheen?

I'm sure you've heard by now that the Sheen-man spent Christmas in the slammer on charges domestic violence. So how timely is it that I've stumbled upon his clothing line called "DaVinci Collection?"

Charlie Sheen Arrested In Aspen

The line is a collaboration with Rock and Roll Religion's head designer Christopher Wicks and features a collection of those fugly button down patterned bowling shirts Charlie wears all the time.

Says Wicks of Sheen's shirts: “The style is influenced by the martini lounges, pool halls and bowling alleys of the era [50's].  It is nostalgic, yet chic without trying too hard.  I think he encompasses that aura and will bring a lot to the design table.”

Isn't this the same man that wears cross trainers and a paired down derivative of the Hawaiian shirt? When it comes to style he's about as chic as the menswear at a Big Lots in an Alabama shopping center.

Though, it does make sense if you ponder it for a moment.  Designing the same shirt over and over with only a slight change is sort of like his like watching the actor's heinous show "Two and a Half Men."

The duo of Jon Cryer and Charlie Sheen living as single, available men is like one of those "would you rather" scenarios. If you're unfamiliar, its when one person gives another person two options, each as bad as the other and made to choose. Example: Would you rather eat a steaming dog sh*t sandwich or watch "Two and a Half Men" for 24 hours straight?  If you had to sleep with Jon Cryer or Charlie Sheen...you get my point. (Though, as far as I know, Duckie wont beat on you)

I think Sheen needs to stop associating himself with martini bars, wine bars, pubs, pool halls, anywhere alcohol is served in general, drug dealers... The only thing Sheen is bringing to the "design" table is a punch in your face after an 8 ball and Beefeaters --and all  because the little olives printed on the shirt aren't big enough for his liking or you reminded him that it was actually Tom Hanks who starred in the "The DaVinci Code, " not him.

If you're looking for something to wear in your next mug shot, you can buy his shirts here.

At least they could airbrush out his man boob!?! Photo: Global Rebels

Danica Patrick, professional race car driver and star of those Go Daddy commercials that make no sense is launching her own fragrance.

The brunette speed demon is getting in line to hawk smelly water with Usher, Britney, Mariah Carey, Queen Latifiah, Jessica Simpson, Gwen Stefani, Victoria and David Beckham, Jennifer Lopez, Paris Hilton, Sarah Jessica Parker, P. Diddy (or Sean Combs, Puffy or Sean John), Andy Roddick, Derek Jeter, Eva Longoria Parker, Halle Berry, Rhianna, Jay Z, Kanye West, Tim McGraw, Faith Hill,  Michael Jordan, Shania Twain, Kimora Lee Simmons, Celine Dion (Belch) Raven Simone, Reese Witherspoon,  Patrick Dempsey, Your Mom, My Dad....

Do famous people think we want to smell like them, or rather whatever some company chemist concocted and slapped their name on?  Who is wearing these perfumes and colognes?  And who cops up to wearing "Celine Dion's Notes" when a co-worker asks: "What the ef is that smell?" And you say "Oh, thats me. Its the signature scent of the only the best vocalist in the world. I have all of her albums, even the ones in French!"

I don't even want to be tortured by the sound of Celine Dion, let alone smell her.

The Street.com thinks that you may not have to endure the stench of celebrity much longer. While fragrances sales on the whole dropped, it seems that famous actors and singers aren't selling like they used to.  The scents of the famous reached close to $3 million this year as compared to $8million in 2005.

And what seems to be more interesting to me, is that when these perfumes and potions were blindly tested on focus groups, they actually liked the scents more. That means if they knew they were smelling  Eau de Rudy Replacement by Raven Simone they would be less likely to buy it.

And now, The Go Daddy Racer Chick by Danica Patrick, which I'm assuming smells like drooling, Busch beer-soaked, tobacco-chewing NASCAR dudes and burnt rubber will be promoted every where from fashion and beauty magazines to race events.

I suppose if I were to talk about famous people scents in a positive way, they probably do smell better than just any person, like say myself, creating their own perfume.  My "eau de toilet" would most likely smell like cigarettes, boredom and self deprecation.  Oh and lavender. I like lavender.

On Sunday The Independent UK reported North Korea launched a movement against hairstyles seen as "untidy" or "foreign."  The Battle of  the Free Flowing Follicle was said to be ordered by leader Kim Jong-Il.

Similar to a TGI Friday's grooming section in the corporation's employee manual, the country's men must keep their hair short and the women must pull their hair back.

As stated in The Independent, the Seoul-based Good Friends newsletter said that the new hair rules were passed down from Jong-Il himself and will be enforced by a state body called Central Youth Union Committee.

Jong-Il apparently was offended when a female sales clerk's mane smelled not of the fragrant herbs of Bi Dan shampoo, but of the filthy stench of freedom: "Is she really our own Korean woman? Why is she giving up our own traditional beauty and choosing to model bad foreign habits of the capitalist?" they quoted Kim as saying.

Also, Jong -Il will be jumping on the "no tight pants" bandwagon, following the province of Aceh, Indonesia, which passed law banning Muslim women from wearing tight pants. The North Korean leader commanded "that women should not wear skirts above the knee, tight trousers, flared trousers or any garment that reveals the body's contours."

Do you know what is great about living in America?  I can open my laptop, Google any subject, log on to any website and say, um, upload a picture  of Kim Jong-Il and proceed to give him any foreign or untidy hairstyle I want. I can also post it on a blog.

Sniff. Sniff. Ahhhh!  Do I smell the sweet and fruity scent Garnier Nutrisse hair gel? Or is it the luscious odor of  the First Amendment of the United States Constitution?

Beyonce Jong-Il

Posh Jong-Il

Gwyneth Jong -Il

And finally, my favorite:

Rihanna Jong-Il

WHATS A ROD-DART-TEE?

The Thread- Crowds flocked to Target in New York  in a Supermarket Sweep style shopping expedition to grab the new Rodarte for Target Collection.  I am a big fan of fashion for less, but women throwing the entire collection into carts bothers me a bit.  Just because it bears a designer name does not mean a) it will fit you properly, b) it is a style that suits you and c) and you'll be wearing an exclusive piece. Yes, i said it.  Last, when you visit any store outside of the metropolitan New York City, you'll find racks upon racks of Target's designer collaborations, a young girl sifting through the leopard dresses and her mother in a velour  track suit asking "Whats a Rod-art-eee?"

Though, when Jean Paul Gaultier hits Target, hopefully with gender bending three piece suits, I just might be one of those stampeding women, complete with hockey mask and stick, standing on the back of a fast moving red shopping cart like Spartacus: "Outta my way bitches!!"

Photo: Target

CHILDREN OF THE CORN

Reuters - The British Advertising Standards Authority agreed with complaints that a commercial for a new dating show called "Dating in the Dark" was offensive.  The council "considered the ad was unlikely to be interpreted to be light-hearted in tone and was instead likely to be seen as prejudicial against people with ginger hair." Even more, a British retailer pulled their Christmas cards which featured a read-headed kid sitting on Santa's lap beneath a banner reading "Santa loves all kids. Even ginger ones."

I would take this all very personally, but I don't have beautifully monochromatic bright red hair. Rather,  my indecisiveness can even be traced back to when I was in my mother's womb.  Apparently my DNA couldn't make a solid decision between my Cherokee, Slovak and Welsh heritage resulting in my hair color and skin tone becoming some sort of strange giant bird-like alien hybrid of  American Indian features, translucent skin and multi-colored strands of hair which include blonde, red, and chocolate brown (and now even gray).  Now that is scary.

Model and Actress Lily Cole

MEGA BLOCS VS LEGO

Cityfile - Remember those multicolored plastic heels that Balenciaga tried to pass off as art and sell for close to 5K?  Then Steve Madden knocked them off and tried to sell them for 100 bucks?  Well almost three years later, the high fashion house is suing the "Forever 21" of shoes for stealing its design.

My insight on Steve Madden and Forever 21: it probably costs the chain retailers less in lawsuits that end in mistrials than to do a Target style collaboration in which the designer is due a chunk of the change. By the time high fashion houses catch on, every trend hound on a budget owns a pair of "Mega Bloc" heels.

I'm not saying copying designs should be applauded, but rather, can you ever really stop it?  When the whole marketing of your couture fashion goods appeals to the psychology belonging and esteem, there will be people who want it and people who will give it.

If you wear a low cut shirt that shows off your cleavage, chances are, you cant pick and choose who is going to be gawking. I'm not saying that gives anyone the right to touch your boobies, but seeing yours may not stop a dude from hitting on every chic in the bar until someone agrees to goes home with the troll.

With fashion houses thinking its good for promotions to "leak" lookbooks and ad campaigns for Spring 2010 in September 2009, that only gives retail analysts enough time to figure out what's going to be the big seller, look for what Beyonce wore and send it into immediate cheap production in China...with a few minor design changes. *wink*

Isn't this lawsuit sort of like going back and starting a fight with an loser ex-boyfriend for not taking out the garbage when the two of you lived together?  It just seems like something that should end in a phone conversation that goes something like this "I did some bad sh*t, you did some bad sh*t. Lets just forget about it."

Steve Madden's shoe on the left, The original Balenciaga on the right. I predict a mistrial.

THIS PHOTO MAKES ME HATE MYSELF

New York Times- The crusade for utopia continues. This week, New York Times writer Tamara Parker-Hope discovers that *OMG* magazine covers are retouched. She starts her blog with this: "What is the fastest way to lose weight? Try getting a cover shoot for a magazine."

zzzzzzzzzzz...Oh, what, I'm sorry. I just fell asleep.

Can I just ask where the men are in this debate? Images of men on magazine covers Men's Health and Esquire are  retouched as well.  How about the fashion felines on the cover of "Cat Fancy."  We call my cat Angus fat all the time and he has never refused to eat after seeing a slim tabby with a shiny coat of fur.

I work in the fashion industry. I've seen Karolina Kurkova walk the runway in a swim suit. She was not skin and bones. While it is true that I do believe I saw a ray of light beam from above when she appeared, I did not go home and dye my hair blonde or consult a plastic surgeon to saw the bone of my aforementioned Indian honker.  I've spotted Elle Macpherson in the flesh.  She looks like a walking magazine cover and unless there was some invisible Photoshop bubble surrounding her as she walked down the street, she is an image of what most people find beautiful.

Women, stop hating on women.  Mothers teach your daughters that self worth is not based on what she looks like. If looking at magazines messes with your mental stability, then don't buy them.  There will always be people who are smarter, funnier, better at math, and more fashionable than you or I.

Would these ads and photos exist if some crafty editors and ad agencies weren't cracking into your insecurities and secret desires and telling you exactly what you should be?

While there is scientific theory as to what makes people attractive, focusing all energy on what you don't have is like winning the lottery and complaining about the taxes you have to pay on the windfall.

I'm not saying that I'm some sort of super balanced human. I hate my crooked teeth and I'm not immune to feeling unattractive at times.  But my features were given to me by my parents and I am what I am.  I mean, I'm hilarious! I may be the only one laughing at my jokes and reading this blog, but it keeps me amused and happy for hours. Isn't that what counts, really, just being comfortable with yourself? (or perhaps crazy)

The National Institute of Health states that one of the risk factors of developing anorexia is "Accepting society's attitudes about thinness."  I believe the key word is "accepting"  I understand that most of what we see in the media is altered to appeal to the masses. I do understand how that could be detrimental to some.

Bruce Willis rode the wing of an airplane in Die Hard. Dorothy Gale's house was lifted by a tornado and landed on a witch in " Wizard of Oz."  Harry Potter goes to Hogwarts.  Does this mean we should have a disclaimer on the bottom of the screen during the movie "Attention, Hogwarts is a fictional academy.  Harry's magic wand contains no magic."

2008 Victoria's Secret Fashion Show - Runway