Fashion Funhouse Emporium

It's the Sunday Funhouse Comics.

YOUR WINE WONT SPILL

Photo: Lisca.com

Independent- This month's Paris lingerie show will show some high-tech ladies undergarments. If you ever looked in the mirror and thought, "my boobs can really benefit from better circulation and my ass is not getting enough protein," then the newest in panty and brassiere technology is for you.

A company called Lisca will show a bra with cups made from that NASA memory foam that "flows with body heat." (does this mean we can set a glass of red wine on one boob and it won't spill?) French lingerie brand, Milkshake, will introduce underwear fortified with amino acids and milk proteins which they claim hydrate the skin...that is until you have to wash them for the first time?

I have never thought about my boobs "looking old." But thanks, in addition to cankles, marionette lines, crows feet, turkey neck, cottage cheese thighs and all those other wonderful and derogatory terms we women are bombarded with, I now will wonder about the vitamin intake of my ba donka donk.  I suppose these creations had the best of intentions...I guess.

CLEAN AND CLEAR AND BANNED

Photo: Clean and Clear Advantage UK

Guardian - The UK Advertising Standards Association banned Johnson and Johnson's Clean and Clear acne treatment ads after deeming them misleading due to the make-up on the model in her "After" shot.

If the standards that the ASA are going by were applied to real life, then they would ban my face, and every other woman's face in the world for false advertising. If you watch these types of commercials and cosmetic advertisements and never think about the fact that these women have been touched up, then here is your big shocker: They are.

P.S. Brooke Shields doesn't not have hypotrichosis.  Though, the eyelash drug, Latisse's invented definition of the disease would have you think she does and you do too.  That is, if  you want to talk about advertisements that need banned

INNUENDO EQUALS AWARENESS OF BREASTS

Photo: sickfacebook.com

Newsweek - The fashion blogs were all over it this week, joining in on the "fun" of  women posting their bra colors in their Facebook status, under the guise of "breast cancer awareness."

A Newsweek blogger says what some of us were thinking, those of us that actually thought about what it meant to post the color of our lingerie: "I'm sure the hundreds of thousands of women who "flashed" all their friends yesterday had the best of intentions. Many of them walk in marathons for cancer research and buy all manner of pink-themed stuff; some of them even do the research to make sure the proceeds from the pink stuff are used responsibly. But this campaign is roughly equivalent to buying something—that just happens to be pink—from a company that gives zero to breast-cancer research, then claiming you're doing it for medical science. It's harmless, I guess, but also pointless."

I couldn't have said that better myself.  And I'm adding this: before you decide to tease your male friends with "black lace and satin, " and say its for "breast cancer awareness" think about the people who actually might have lost someone due to a very unsexy, wretched, incurable and soul-crushing disease called cancer...which doesn't just happen in the breasts.

Whats next? Measuring penis size and posting it in your status?  Oh, its okay, its for testicular cancer!

THAT OUTFIT IS TRASHY!

Photo: NY Times

New York Times- As you know if you've been reading this blog, H&M was caught trashing new clothes in a dumpster.  Now, the same reporter that broke the news is also calling out other corporations on their lack of donating and applauding those that do.

Though, really, wasn't H&M just cutting out the middle man by sending their clothes directly to the trash?  I know my pleather pants ended up there.

I AM GOOD ENOUGH, I AM SMART ENOUGH...

Photo: Rex

Elle UK- Breaking News! Another woman in another part of the world also feels insecure. Model Lily Cole tells Elle UK,  she says 'My job in the industry gave me a lot of self confidence, which I didn’t have in the past. But I don’t feel beautiful either. On the other hand I don’t feel ugly.'

I know, Lily Cole, with your hideous fire hair, and your shocking light eyes, creamy skin, full apple cheeks... your run of the mill looks...Can I make out with you?  You know, just to help boost your self-esteem.

WHATS A ROD-DART-TEE?

The Thread- Crowds flocked to Target in New York  in a Supermarket Sweep style shopping expedition to grab the new Rodarte for Target Collection.  I am a big fan of fashion for less, but women throwing the entire collection into carts bothers me a bit.  Just because it bears a designer name does not mean a) it will fit you properly, b) it is a style that suits you and c) and you'll be wearing an exclusive piece. Yes, i said it.  Last, when you visit any store outside of the metropolitan New York City, you'll find racks upon racks of Target's designer collaborations, a young girl sifting through the leopard dresses and her mother in a velour  track suit asking "Whats a Rod-art-eee?"

Though, when Jean Paul Gaultier hits Target, hopefully with gender bending three piece suits, I just might be one of those stampeding women, complete with hockey mask and stick, standing on the back of a fast moving red shopping cart like Spartacus: "Outta my way bitches!!"

Photo: Target

CHILDREN OF THE CORN

Reuters - The British Advertising Standards Authority agreed with complaints that a commercial for a new dating show called "Dating in the Dark" was offensive.  The council "considered the ad was unlikely to be interpreted to be light-hearted in tone and was instead likely to be seen as prejudicial against people with ginger hair." Even more, a British retailer pulled their Christmas cards which featured a read-headed kid sitting on Santa's lap beneath a banner reading "Santa loves all kids. Even ginger ones."

I would take this all very personally, but I don't have beautifully monochromatic bright red hair. Rather,  my indecisiveness can even be traced back to when I was in my mother's womb.  Apparently my DNA couldn't make a solid decision between my Cherokee, Slovak and Welsh heritage resulting in my hair color and skin tone becoming some sort of strange giant bird-like alien hybrid of  American Indian features, translucent skin and multi-colored strands of hair which include blonde, red, and chocolate brown (and now even gray).  Now that is scary.

Model and Actress Lily Cole

MEGA BLOCS VS LEGO

Cityfile - Remember those multicolored plastic heels that Balenciaga tried to pass off as art and sell for close to 5K?  Then Steve Madden knocked them off and tried to sell them for 100 bucks?  Well almost three years later, the high fashion house is suing the "Forever 21" of shoes for stealing its design.

My insight on Steve Madden and Forever 21: it probably costs the chain retailers less in lawsuits that end in mistrials than to do a Target style collaboration in which the designer is due a chunk of the change. By the time high fashion houses catch on, every trend hound on a budget owns a pair of "Mega Bloc" heels.

I'm not saying copying designs should be applauded, but rather, can you ever really stop it?  When the whole marketing of your couture fashion goods appeals to the psychology belonging and esteem, there will be people who want it and people who will give it.

If you wear a low cut shirt that shows off your cleavage, chances are, you cant pick and choose who is going to be gawking. I'm not saying that gives anyone the right to touch your boobies, but seeing yours may not stop a dude from hitting on every chic in the bar until someone agrees to goes home with the troll.

With fashion houses thinking its good for promotions to "leak" lookbooks and ad campaigns for Spring 2010 in September 2009, that only gives retail analysts enough time to figure out what's going to be the big seller, look for what Beyonce wore and send it into immediate cheap production in China...with a few minor design changes. *wink*

Isn't this lawsuit sort of like going back and starting a fight with an loser ex-boyfriend for not taking out the garbage when the two of you lived together?  It just seems like something that should end in a phone conversation that goes something like this "I did some bad sh*t, you did some bad sh*t. Lets just forget about it."

Steve Madden's shoe on the left, The original Balenciaga on the right. I predict a mistrial.

THIS PHOTO MAKES ME HATE MYSELF

New York Times- The crusade for utopia continues. This week, New York Times writer Tamara Parker-Hope discovers that *OMG* magazine covers are retouched. She starts her blog with this: "What is the fastest way to lose weight? Try getting a cover shoot for a magazine."

zzzzzzzzzzz...Oh, what, I'm sorry. I just fell asleep.

Can I just ask where the men are in this debate? Images of men on magazine covers Men's Health and Esquire are  retouched as well.  How about the fashion felines on the cover of "Cat Fancy."  We call my cat Angus fat all the time and he has never refused to eat after seeing a slim tabby with a shiny coat of fur.

I work in the fashion industry. I've seen Karolina Kurkova walk the runway in a swim suit. She was not skin and bones. While it is true that I do believe I saw a ray of light beam from above when she appeared, I did not go home and dye my hair blonde or consult a plastic surgeon to saw the bone of my aforementioned Indian honker.  I've spotted Elle Macpherson in the flesh.  She looks like a walking magazine cover and unless there was some invisible Photoshop bubble surrounding her as she walked down the street, she is an image of what most people find beautiful.

Women, stop hating on women.  Mothers teach your daughters that self worth is not based on what she looks like. If looking at magazines messes with your mental stability, then don't buy them.  There will always be people who are smarter, funnier, better at math, and more fashionable than you or I.

Would these ads and photos exist if some crafty editors and ad agencies weren't cracking into your insecurities and secret desires and telling you exactly what you should be?

While there is scientific theory as to what makes people attractive, focusing all energy on what you don't have is like winning the lottery and complaining about the taxes you have to pay on the windfall.

I'm not saying that I'm some sort of super balanced human. I hate my crooked teeth and I'm not immune to feeling unattractive at times.  But my features were given to me by my parents and I am what I am.  I mean, I'm hilarious! I may be the only one laughing at my jokes and reading this blog, but it keeps me amused and happy for hours. Isn't that what counts, really, just being comfortable with yourself? (or perhaps crazy)

The National Institute of Health states that one of the risk factors of developing anorexia is "Accepting society's attitudes about thinness."  I believe the key word is "accepting"  I understand that most of what we see in the media is altered to appeal to the masses. I do understand how that could be detrimental to some.

Bruce Willis rode the wing of an airplane in Die Hard. Dorothy Gale's house was lifted by a tornado and landed on a witch in " Wizard of Oz."  Harry Potter goes to Hogwarts.  Does this mean we should have a disclaimer on the bottom of the screen during the movie "Attention, Hogwarts is a fictional academy.  Harry's magic wand contains no magic."

2008 Victoria's Secret Fashion Show - Runway