Fashion Funhouse Emporium

The concept of a "car shoe" would've been cool when I was three.

These shoes do look remarkably like the dream sports car of every small weenie man who needs the rumble of a fast motor to compensate.  Though, I am not sure who Lamborghini intended to make these pumps for --aforementioned men with foot fetishes?  Luckily, they are only a creative concept. For now.

The Italian penis car designer is no stranger to blowing its load, er, logo all over all sorts of products from the usual hats, tees and jackets to the more absolutely unrelated paperweights, candles, and playing cards. Perhaps most bizarre is the Lambo flask.  Because nothing mixes better with a car that accelerates to 62 miles per hour in four seconds than a nice chug of vodka.

If youre too high brow for the NASCAR beer cozie and couch, head on over to Lamborghini and order some swank speed machine swag.

photos: Bess NYC

Stolen from the anti-hippie punk fashion of the seventies, this past year has seen everything from jewelry, bags, shoes and even jeans adorned with grommets, spikes and pyramid studs. While the puncturing of all that can be stamped in studs is said to be a passing trend, It will always be classic style (or anti-style) in my mind.  I think Bess NYC agrees.

photo: bess nyc

The expensive leather and shredded  lower east side store can probably be imitated easily with a little do -it yourself action, but any designer that can put both a man and a woman in a studded garter belt deserves some serious cred.

Though, the upside down cross necklaces and bedazzled pentagram bag are more burn-down-the-church- thrash-black metal than piss-out-a-hotel window-on-passers by-punk. And, the price point? Well, that's rich-kid-trying-to-be-a-rock star.  But still...

Check out the looks from their Fall 2009 line.

photos: Bess NYC

Photo: Calvin Klein

Women do it.  (Well, I don't...just so you know.) There are all sorts of creations and contraptions to make mammaries look "fuller" like water bras, silicone inserts, or chicken cutlets as we industry insiders call them, and even ladies jeans that maximize the bootius maximus.

So isn't it in all fairness that Body by Calvin Klein jeans for men, as the company says, have a  "body-defining fit for an enhanced profile." In other words, they let dudes rock out with their coc...um, gives them a little help in the crotch area.

But do women really ever stare down below for any sort of hint of a man's size? I asked straight boys if they would wear this new innovation in denim (and was really just prying to find out if they really think chicks check that out.)  A friend named Mike said "I don't think jeans are supposed to show an outline of that region?" When I asked my straight photographer friend if he thought these pants were more for gay men he said " or hipsters with complexes about their penis sizes."

I asked a British guy if the men of England would be more into this sort of crotch flashery.  "No! That's ridiculous." he said. I guess this debunks my theory that European men are more into showing their stuff.

I was going to ask an old dude what he thought, but couldn't muster up the courage to ask my dad.  I guess that point of view on penis padding will remain a mystery in this investigation.

My gay friend thinks this tactic could save some humilitaiton, "I won't have to be embarrassed when my date's inaugural 3rd base grope turns out to be my gym socks."

So fellas, if you wont admit that you've all thought about it, or if you're embarrassed to admit you have a small problem, or if you just think bigger is better, you can get these designer dic er, crotch enhancing pants at Calvin Klein for $79.50. Just remember, stuffed-in socks can fall out of place.

Marc Jacob Attempts to Make the Kilt Trendy

Do you remember when you were in high school and administrators sent a dress code packet before classes started in the Fall?  On the list, for guys, sweat pants were usually forbidden. It made sense.  No one wants to see the outline of their male class mates boner when the hot chick walked by. Especially if said hot chick was not you.

Imagine our suprise when we stumbled up on this: Utilikilt, a cargo style skirt for the working man.

The Scottish, Irish, Celtic nationalists and Marc Jacobs does it, you say.  But should men really be wearing something that can blow so freely in the wind?  It was sexy when Marilyn Monroe stood above a subway grate.  However, we don't want to see freakin Tommy from Brooklyn exposing his freakin man jewels in the same manner. The point being, men have things that can't always be compacted neatly into undergarments, if you know what were saying.

But men, if you must free-ball it, feel the wind on your, um, skin, and feel that traditional tartan is too sissy, then hook your tape measure and keys on the hooks, stuff your screw driver in your pocket and sport a Utilikilt.  But please wear underwear.

Utilikilt Workman's kilt. Photo: Utilikilt

This Monday, September 28th, you'll be able to appease your inner child. Remember when you were once full of wonder?  Did your parents let you go to the grocery store wearing a Superman cape, or a neon pink Barbie princess dress?  Everyone though it was cute and not crazy.  Well, Opening Ceremony in collaboration with Spike Jonze created a collection that allows us adults to wear wolf costumes to dinner with out neighboring restaurant patrons asking the hostess to move.

Inspired by the new film adaptation of Maurice Sendak’s 1963 award winning children's book, "Where the Wild Things Are," director Spike Jonze ("Adaptation," "Being John Malkovich," "Jack Ass") and the cool big kid emporium Opening Ceremony created a limited-edition collection of faux fur pieces with subtle wild creature influences that wont get you picked up for a psych evaluation if you wear it in public. They didn't forget the accessories either and recruited Pamela Love to imagine wearable claws and horns to complete the looks.

Where the Wild Things Are will be in theaters October 6th.  Watch the official trailer here. Note the alternative rock soundtrack includes Karen O' of the Yeah, Yeah Yeahs and The Raconteurs.

Faux Fur Jackets, Photos: Opening Ceremony

Faux fur trim dress and men's jacket; Photos: Opening Ceremony

Jewelry by Pamela Love for Opening Ceremony; Photos: Opening Ceremony